There's an old cliche in science fiction (and, I recall, one that was also commonly used in grade school short fiction) of putting a twist in the reader's perspective by making him see our world through the eyes of a Martian or intergalactic traveler or being from the far distant future. You know, "The bipedal inhabitants of Planet III do not reproduce by the sensible mechanism of fission, but by by the fusion of haploid gametes, a convoluted process that requires much complex social interaction..." yadda yadda yadda.

That cliche is officially dead.

Reality killed it. You no longer need to postulate Martians, it's enough to have a Canadian visit Florida for a church conference (Toronto Star, free reg. req.). And the message is that when others see us, we look like a buncha dumb, hateful yokels.

The author, Tom Harpur, takes a road trip down from the Civilized North, through Ohio and Georgia, to attend "Left Behind: A Conference on Biblical Prophecy about End Times", starring Tim LaHaye, Gary Frazier, and Ed Hindson. It would be easy to dismiss this as a visit to Crazy Town, and not representative of America at all, but these are a couple of big name evangelicals who sell boatloads of books and mobilize millions of voters and have open access to the White House and are lauded in the media. They may be batshit insane, but they are some of the loudest voices of the Religious Right. And here's the impression they leave on our polite Canadian visitor.

To sum up the essence of the three speaker's messages all that long Saturday, I have never heard so much venom and dangerous ignorance spouted before an utterly unquestioning, otherwise normal-looking crowd in my life. For the $25 fee, the 800 devotees certainly got a plateful.

There were stunning statements about humans having been only 6,000 years on Earth and other denials of contemporary geology and biology. And we learned that the Rapture, which could happen any second now, but certainly within the next 40 years, will instantly sweep all the "saved" Americans (perhaps one-half the population) to heaven, leaving the United States as "a Third World country" with the European Union becoming the revived Roman Empire.

But these fantasies were harmless compared with the hatred against Islam that followed. Here are some direct quotes: "Islam is an intolerant religion — and it's clear whose side we should be on in the Middle East." Applause greeted these words: "Allah and Jehovah are not the same God ... Islam is a Satanic religion ...We will never be able to understand their (Muslim) mentality ... They're going to attack Israel for certain. ..."

Gary Frazier shouted at the top of his lungs: "Wake up! Wake up!" And roughly 800 heads nodded approval as he added that the left-wing, anti-Israel media — "for example, CNN" — will never tell the world the truth about Islam. According to these three and the millions of Americans they lead, Muslims intend ultimately "to impose their religion on us all."

Fundamentalists imposing theocratic rule on a nation? Oh, horrors. That would be terrible.

(Important hint: if mentioning this to a fundie extremist, don't use irony and sarcasm. Stupid people don't understand irony. Any fundamentalists reading this, post questions—I'm sure my other readers will be able to explain it to you.)

The idea of peace in the Middle East was denounced — specially any accord granting any land whatever to the Palestinians.

The two-state concept is unacceptable to American Christians, they argued, because "God gave that land to the Jews through Abraham" long ago. If the Palestinians want a state they must go to Jordan or elsewhere.

A terrible, final war in the region is inevitable.

In a rational world, here's what I would like: our media to treat these nutballs as totally clownshoes poison—the only stories about them would mock their lunacy, rather than putting up a respectful facade. For our politicians to denounce them as dishonest frauds who are dragging our country and the world into the sewer. For our electorate to shun any politician who so much as shakes hands with one of these scamming hatemongers.

It's not going to happen, I know. Everyone's going to go on pretending that LaHaye, Frazier, and Hindson are nice, ordinary folks, while they go on gibbering on the national stage.

Some days I feel like Roddy Piper in They Live. I gotta find me some of those special sunglasses.