Pharyngula::Clear your auras, remove your karma, and activate your DNA!

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Saturday, February 05, 2005

Clear your auras, remove your karma, and activate your DNA!

PZ Myers • 20 Comments

Hang on to your hats, everyone…applecidercheesefudge has discovered the most amazing and bizarre pseudoscientific fable yet. Go read Toby Alexander's version of molecular biology. Here's one of the milder paragraphs:

I first studied all of the Human Genome papers to get science's current knowledge and understanding about our 2 strand chemical DNA - which isn't a whole lot since they only studied 1.2% of the actual DNA inside the body and ignore the other 98.8% that they call "junk DNA". Science still thinks we evolved from pond scum and chimpanzees! I then came across progressively more advanced and detailed information from pre-ancient texts that described the histories of various human races and the DNA that these races had. This then led me into the study of 15th dimensional unified physics and the structure of universal dimensions, planetary merkabas, and how our holographic reality is actually created from our DNA.

Control your laughter, though. After all, we think we only have 2-stranded DNA (we actually have 12-stranded DNA, though—don't ask me how the chemistry works out), but Alexander has 48-stranded DNA and is an Indigo Child, so he certainly knows better than we do. He also has a Bachelor's Degree in Informational Technology.

He goes on and on about "crystals", "Reiki", "quantum", "harmonics", "etheric", "frequencies", and yadda yadda yadda, but insists none of it is that airy fairy New Age crap. I'm going to insist that you don't click on his PayPal button, because he wants $100/lesson to teach you how to "activate your DNA."

Trackback url: http://pharyngula.org/index/trackback/1884/y7NuynrW/

Comments:

#15310: — 02/05 at 06:08 AM
Curses! I gave up after doing 14 dimensional unified physics.

If only I'd had the wisdom and vision to go that one dimension further.

Perhaps then I too would know what the hell reiki is.

#15312: Ben — 02/05 at 06:54 AM
It's true. We don't really die, our mobile holoemitter just runs out of batteries.

"The great trouble is that the preachers get the children from six to seven years of age and then it is almost impossible to do anything with them." --Thomas Edison.

#15314: — 02/05 at 08:06 AM
Please tell me this is not serious.

#15316: PZ Myers — 02/05 at 08:22 AM
You could try to find out by sending him $100 via PayPal. If it's a joke, he'd return your money, right?

PZ Myers
Division of Science and Math
University of Minnesota, Morris

#15317: — 02/05 at 08:29 AM
No, that's part of the joke...

#15318: — 02/05 at 08:34 AM
Well, I have infinity-stranded DNA, and all the strands are in harmony, and my histones exist in 16 dimensions, and when they did crystallography on some of the DNA polymerases inside me, the X-rays diffraction pattern was the face of God, which is to say, me.

Your move, Sherlock.

BTW, I did the world's biggest double take when I glanced over this title. What registered initially was "clean your anus." In preparation for what, exactly?

#15319: Ben — 02/05 at 08:39 AM
You mean you need a reason? That's just generally good advice.

"The great trouble is that the preachers get the children from six to seven years of age and then it is almost impossible to do anything with them." --Thomas Edison.

#15320: — 02/05 at 08:49 AM
Alexander, at least, accepts DNA and evolution. Humans... must evolve. I didn't know that the whole idea of evolution is to activate one's 12 strand DNA potential, but seems interesting. I think the 100$ in question is money he will send you, not take from you, because he needs no money, having hypnotized Brasilian stock exchange brokers to move the market to favour his speculations. I have to decide yet, is Alexander good PR for evolution? Some people may actually be attracted to Darwin thanks to Alexander.

Quod natura non sunt turpia

#15321: Henry — 02/05 at 08:54 AM
This might be real, I have seen many who can "use remote influencing to consciously create my own reality". They are called Schizophrenic. Really I don't think this guy is Schizo, he is just preying on those who are teetering on the edge. I wander how long his following will be sufficient for a mass suicide.

#15324: — 02/05 at 09:33 AM
There are plenty of people around with inactivated DNA. However, dead people rarely click on PayPal buttons. If he's looking for income from them, he's on a hiding to nothing...

#15331: — 02/05 at 12:40 PM
Could it be something like the University of Santa Anita?

#15332: Hank Fox — 02/05 at 12:50 PM
BTW, I did the world’s biggest double take when I glanced over this title. What registered initially was “clean your anus.” In preparation for what, exactly?

Silly -- It's so you'll be all ready for probing when the mothership picks you up.

#15342: WolverineTom — 02/05 at 02:15 PM
Damn, geology only considers nine dimensions. I'd better catch up...

#15350: Ereshkigal — 02/05 at 04:15 PM
How does he keep his 48 strands of DNA from getting tangled up with his crystals?

You should take a look at all that Toby can do for you. Don't stop with activating your DNA-- for an additional $100, Toby can clear your aura. Once your DNA has been activated, and your aura cleared, you can shell out another $100 to remove the contracts that clutter up your karma. So many solutions to problems that I didn't know I had.

Toby also practices "distant healing", but I can't find a charge for that service. Perhaps his metaphysical malpractice insurance won't cover his internet-based practice.

Actually, I am surprised that Toby isn't more generous, because he should be filthy rich:

I learned that I could even remote influence the market makers on the floor of the stock market to buy and sell stocks which would enhance my current positions. Of course, most people's belief systems were so rigid that there was no way they could believe that this could be done, but it didn't matter to me since I was doing it.

#15351: — 02/05 at 04:17 PM
Wow. And I thought the bogus stem cell skin therapy was bad. ... Do these DNA strands exists in different dimensions--like the ones that supposedly are rolled up like pieces of paper--so that in decades and decades of DNA gels and DNA sequencing and even just adding ethanol to precipitate DNA--scientists never found those extra strands of DNA? Or did they just forget to mention this on my preliminary exams? Oh, maybe it'll show up on my comps.

... we're supposed to have 144 chromosomes?? Whoa.

Oh, Zeus, my IQ is 40 points lower just from trying to READ his page! Damn you!

#15352: — 02/05 at 04:28 PM
Actually, instead of just working on stocks, why doesn't he try to influence politics, since he could remote influence people? ... *gasp* Maybe HE'S responsible for all those bogus Bush votes!!

Well, at least he tells the truth here:

I began to use remote influencing to consciously create my own reality

Yes. Um. "Delusional".

... he's read ALL of the "Human Genome" papers? As in, just about the Project Human Genome, or all about the human genome?

#15364: — 02/05 at 08:17 PM
And here I was thinking to activate my DNA, I just had to find a nice girl and do the mattress mambo enough times to make some miniaturised half-mes.

#15372: Zachary Braverman — 02/06 at 12:34 AM
I actually know someone who believes in this, has paid money, and now goes around offering to clean people's DNA.

#15418: — 02/07 at 05:47 AM
So, does that mean that to truly activate twelve-stranded DNA, rather than mere two-stranded DNA, we must start using -60 and -210 promoters, rather than the boring ol' -10 and -35 promoters that I'm more accustomed to using to get my DNA transcripted?

Do manatees also have twelve stranded DNA? Can they truly activate their potential?

On the positive side, giving $100 to this fellow for pseudoscience-based enlightenment is probably cheaper than Scientology.

#15576: — 02/08 at 01:33 PM
On the other hand, L. Ron didn't say bippy about 12-stranded DNA. I'm sure he would have if he had thought of it, but he didn't.

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