I was initially greatly distressed by Frist's recent comments, as well as those by Bush.

"I think today a pluralistic society should have access to a broad range of fact, of science, including faith," Frist said.

Frist, a doctor who graduated from Harvard Medical School, said exposing children to both evolution and intelligent design "doesn't force any particular theory on anyone. I think in a pluralistic society that is the fairest way to go about education and training people for the future."

While contemplating that phrase, "graduated from Harvard Medical School", I had an epiphany. This is the death of expertise. Who cares what a bunch of biologists say about biology…so who cares what a Harvard Med grad says about medicine? I am liberated and empowered by these statements. I may have no training at all in medicine, but so what? The more closely I looked at the medical establishment, the more clear it became that there is a conspiracy to keep the failings of Hippocratism hidden.

That's right, Hippocratism. Did you know that doctors swear a secret oath to a long-dead Greek who lived almost 2500 years ago? That's how antiquated their ideas are. He was also a pagan who believed in some weird polytheistic cult. Even today, the symbol of medicine is…get ready for it…a magic wand! Take a look at the web page for the Hippocratists' most important secret society, and there it is in plain sight—a magic wand with a snake. How can you trust these people?

They're also dead wrong on many important problems—cancer, for instance. They don't know what causes cancer! Go ahead, try it: get cancer, and ask your doctor how you got it. He'll shrug his shoulders and give you a laundry list of possible causes. He might say it was genetic, which is just their fancy way of blaming your Mom (he may not even know your mother, but she's at fault). The Hippocratist might mumble something about diet or environment or whatever, but he doesn't really know. He might say something about smoking, too, but did you know that there are legitimate, qualified MDs who have published scientific papers saying there is no link between smoking and cancer? They were funded by the fabulously wealthy Phillip Morris company, too, so you know they didn't have to cut corners on the budget.

The Hippocratists don't understand the mechanisms, and they don't know how to cure you, either. They say they do, but all their procedures involve cutting into you while you're asleep, during which time they'll leave their odd tools in your guts, and take the opportunity to slice out bits that you won't notice missing. Wake up, and you've got a spatula and a garlic press in you, and are missing a kidney that they'll sell on the black market to pay for their golf club memberships. Then they'll pump you up with a witches brew of toxic poisons and maybe fry you with some radiation. Sometimes they say they're going to cure you, and you die anyway, and sometimes they say you're going to die, and you live. "Cure"? Hah!

Hippocratist "training" is little more than indoctrination (notice that "doc" is imbedded in that word—revealing, no?), and they are blinkered to the insights that a new perspective from outside their cult can bring. They've failed to cure everything so far, so clearly Hippocratism is a dead end, and can only be rejuvenated with the fresh ideas. Free of the taint of Hippocratism, I am clearly a person well-equipped to revolutionize medicine; you can think of me as the Galen or Vesalius or Reich of a new era of healing.

This may be controversial, but if there is a controversy, there must be a problem, right? That just means we've got to fix this. Controversies are a sign that Hippocratism is in trouble.

So, despite my lack of background in traditional Hippocratism, and the dearth of research on my views of healing, and, well, my unwillingness to say anything about my views of healing, I've decided to go straight to the top. I insist that I be appointed to be one of the doctors in charge of the US Senate. Heck, maybe I should be appointed co-Surgeon General. I think if you look at the doctors who are charged with treating our senators, every one of them is a Hippocratist. Is this fair? Of course not. To be fair, every time a Hippocratist prescribes some treatment for a senator, I ought to be allowed to prescribe my treatment. This is America. We're all about fairness.

I can begin right away. I've noticed a few things about Bush and Frist that could use some immediate correction (one of the virtues of my form of medicine is that it is so powerful, I don't actually need to meet my patients to diagnose them—unlike those Hippocratists!). Both are choleric, so I suggest immediate rounds of bleeding. Frist needs cupping and lancing, and for Bush I recommend leeches—a great many leeches (need I mention that if it was good enough for George Washington, it should be good enough for our current patriotic leaders?). I've also noticed that Mr Bush has been doing a lot of bicycling and brush clearing, which I suspect is an attempt to sublimate another chronic activity. I'm going to have to insist that he be fitted with one of these. It will look good in a flight suit, so he should be willing.

I'm also working on a couple of books. Defeating Hippocratism One Senator at a Time will be about our social and political and surgical strategy for renewing our health culture, while Hippocrates' Black Bag will focus on the scientific flaws in the Hippocratic approach. I'm now looking for someone willing to go through med school so he can write a book attacking the whole thing (Icons of Hippocratism would be a catchy title).

It won't be long before the New York Times treats us seriously.