PZ Myers. 2005 Jan 30. A plumbing parable. <http://pharyngula.org/index/weblog/a_plumbing_parable/>. Accessed 2008 Dec 01.
Posted on M00o93H7pQ09L8X1t49cHY01Z5j4TT91fGfr on Sunday, January 30, 2005
A plumbing parable
My kitchen sink has a problem. Something has broken inside the Moen faucet, so that the handle is loose and only marginally effective. I'm thinking I should run down to the hardware store and get a new faucet assembly, and get under the sink with a pipe wrench. It shouldn't be too difficult.
Right away, I run into an obstacle. I get down to the basement to fetch my wrench, and there's one of the local ministers sitting on the toolbox. "Have you tried the incredible power of prayer yet, son?" he asked. I said no, of course not. I'm trying to fix a broken faucet. And then he gave me one of those pitying looks and tried to convince me that not only could Jesus fix my faucet, he would give me wine on tap. So I told him to get his fat ass off my toolbox and out of my house, and he stomped off.
By the time I got upstairs, the phone was ringing. It was Phil Johnson. "You're assuming that wrench is the only way to fix that faucet, aren't you? You've completely closed your mind to the possibility of alternative methodologies."
"Pipe wrenches have always worked well for me, and it kinda makes sense that if you want to fix a faucet, you use a plumbing tool," I said. "If you've got a better way, I'd be happy to hear it."
"Oh, no, I'm not going to endorse a particular tool, that might divide the community. I just want you to admit that you have an a priori commitment to wrenches and faucets that precludes even considering immaterial methods."
I hung up on the senile old fart.
Next stop, the hardware store. The local school board is standing in front of the door, trying to block my entry. When I asked why they were interfering with me, one said, "Two thousand years ago, someone died on a cross. Can’t someone take a stand for him?" I had no idea that Jesus died for plumbing, but I didn't care, either. I went on in.
There were more members of the community haranguing the clerk. I just wanted to buy a new faucet and get home, but these other people were insisting he had to tell me all about alternative theories of plumbing, and recommend that I find other useful home repair ideas at the local church. He refused. So, instead, a group of protesters chanted a story about how maybe ghosts or aliens could fix my pipes while I made my purchase.
I came home to more interruptions. A whole cottage industry had sprung up on the internet, decrying godless plumbing paradigms, and my computer was beeping at all the incoming mail. The arguments were mind-boggling. There were people complaining that I couldn't install the faucet, because I hadn't seen the metal it was made from being smelted. There were others telling me there was a far superior brand I ought to put in, but they couldn't tell me the name, and I really didn't need to know it anyway in order to throw the one I'd just bought in the garbage.
I'm looking at the sink, the tools, my new faucet, and I'm thinking this all looks straightforward. Are these people idiots, or what?
The phone rings again. It's Michael Behe. A nice guy. Friendly. He actually talks to me about plumbing, unlike the parade of bozos so far, who haven't had a clue.
"Think about it, Paul. Inside that faucet, there is a whole series of valves and bushings and joints, all designed to regulate and restrict the flow of water under pressure. Water under pressure. When you remove the old faucet, there will be nothing to restrict the flow of water. There will be water surging out of that pipe, and you will not be able to install your new faucet. Here, let me send you a Farside cartoon by Gary Larson that illustrates your dilemma."
"Umm, Mike, I'm going to turn off the water at the main valve first."
"Oh."
There was an uncomfortable silence on the other end of the line.
"Paul, have you ever thought about how that water main got there? It has to cope with water under even higher pressure than what's coming out of any one faucet. That main valve is a miracle of complexity and precision…"
Click. Geez. That guy knows just enough plumbing to give the whole field a bad name.
I still haven't fixed the faucet.
But I have figured out that those other guys are all right on the money—there is an alternative to pipe wrenches and plumbing. I'll just blog about it, and hope that some faith-based payola will come my way. It won't fix the faucet, but that'll keep me in Evian and champaign, which beats Morris city tap water any day.
- I think PZ is channeling Fafnir? Fun post.
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Comedy gold, I tell you.
#: Posted by on 01/30 at 01:43 PM
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I still haven’t fixed the faucet.
Probably because you haven't realized that the faucet is the product of an intelligent designer rather than a piece of plumbing that was created by undirected natural laws acting on water and metal. Once you figure that out you'll realize that you need to hire a plumber. ; )#: Posted by Joe Carter on 01/30 at 01:49 PM -
Up till now, all the laughs in the evolution/creation dispute have come from the other side.
Good work. Why should god have all the good tunes?#: Posted by on 01/30 at 02:32 PM -
Nice post, PZ. I like the spirit - it reminds me of Kissing Hank's Ass.
#: Posted by on 01/30 at 02:49 PM
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Should you be melting snow for water?
#: Posted by Reed A. Cartwright on 01/30 at 02:50 PM
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Rather brilliant.
Have you considered that the water may not even be of any real use to you? Couldn't you just tell yourself that you're not even thirsty? Perhaps all this fuss is over a problem you could have comfortably ignored in the first place.#: Posted by on 01/30 at 03:50 PM -
And just when I had sworn off reading your religion posts you had to come up with this gem. A great send up.
BTW, the link that is supposed to point to a Farside cartoon instead points to a Behe transcript at the NCSE.#: Posted by on 01/30 at 04:02 PM - Yes, where we Behe uses a Farside cartoon as his evidence "for" Intelligent Design creationism.
- Reed, Avoid the yellow snow.
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Good story. Thankfully we don't live in a place like that.
#: Posted by WolverineTom on 01/30 at 04:25 PM
- The way some of the house appliances (or cars) work, I suspect their designers were not that intelligent after all. Then I wonder what brilliant appliances natural selection would produce if these designers stayed out of ths business....
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Oh, so I see. He uses a Farside cartoon to illustrate his "intuitive approach" to concluding intelligent design. Cartoon reasoning? I wonder what Larson would think?
#: Posted by on 01/30 at 05:28 PM
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The whole problem is that you think you need to fix the faucet, man. I mean, just because you think a faucet should do things a certain way... Faucets don't live by your rules man. Maybe you should leave the faucet alone.
#: Posted by Stephen Brophy on 01/30 at 07:15 PM
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Coturnix maybe you should not buy the poorly designed ones...
#: Posted by Stephen Brophy on 01/30 at 07:18 PM
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Yes, definitely avoid the yellow snow.
#: Posted by WolverineTom on 01/30 at 08:03 PM
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Heh, I may be stating the obvious here, but you ever think to call a plumber?
#: Posted by on 01/30 at 10:22 PM
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
#: Posted by on 01/30 at 10:34 PM
- Some people...it's a parable, man. A simple story illustrating a lesson. Don't overanalyze it, and don't take it literally. Mm-k?
- That was a delighful read.
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I think half the ideological schism in society today is that the left and right just don't seem to get the other side's humor. The right criticizes Franken when he is clearly, to me, being funny. And the left just doesn't see anything funny in Coulter and Rush (and in many cases, rightly so).
#: Posted by platosearwax on 01/31 at 07:45 AM
- Limbaugh and Coulter are comedians? Well, there's the problem: the Right doesn't laugh at them, they take them seriously.
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platosearwax said,
I think half the ideological schism in society today is that the left and right just don’t seem to get the other side’s humor.
Lefty humor: Those Republicans are ignorant, intolerant, racist, and hypocritical.
Righty humor: Those liberals are so stupid for not being ignorant, intolerant, or racist.
Yes, that is quite a schism.
#: Posted by on 01/31 at 08:35 AM -
You're not serious.. right, this has to be a parody of intelligent design critics, if it's not, I have some ground floor investment opportunities I'd like to discuss with you, you're guaranteed $millions, no work it just happens
#: Posted by on 01/31 at 08:45 AM
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Limbaugh and Coulter are comedians? Well, there’s the problem: the Right doesn’t laugh at them, they take them seriously.
As I have gathered from numerous interactions with rabid Coulter and Rush fans, Coulter and Rush are unimpeachable sources of proven fact...unless they are proven wrong (quite often), in which case they were just being humorous. Only slightly more clever an argument technique than Hannity's shouting "not true!" or "That's a lie!" in the face of incontrivertible evidence that he is full of crap.#: Posted by platosearwax on 01/31 at 08:48 AM -
Speaking of Philip Johnson...
Friday, a good (and staunchly conservative/religious) friend of mine informs me via email that Philip Johnson has passed away. He mentioned it because we both are Bowie obsessives and "Thru These Architect's Eyes" mentions him ("Stomping along on this big Philip Johnson.")
Not actually knowing who Mr. Johnson was but dimly recalling something on TalkOrigins, I turned to the internet (with Bowie, a song having Architect in the title and naming a person does not necessarily imply a connection.) Now, he KNOWS my position on Creationism, and we've reached something of an understanding on discussing the issue, so I was rather confused as to why he'd broach the subject in this odd way...so my initial response was of the "oh, gee...sorry to hear that" variety. Quite relieved when I learned we were talking about the architect.
And yes, the irony of a staunch conservative Christian being a Bowie obsessive has not escaped me. Or him.#: Posted by on 01/31 at 09:00 AM -
PZ - you should have tried the prayer - and in the quiet of that meditative moment, it would have come to you where you put the manual for the faucet.
#: Posted by RH Stephens on 01/31 at 09:57 AM
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What are you, some kind of philosopher?
That's just wrong. The proper approach is to observe and experiment, and figure out what the problem is first—it does no good to consult a manual when you are unaware of the nature of the difficulty.
Also, the manual is soft tissue, and this faucet seems to be original with the house...so it's 50 years old. We see a perfect example of the imperfection of the fossil record here. -
Rush would tell you that you are an ignorant, lying liberal for trying to convince the world that your faucet has stopped working when there are actually more working faucets today than when the first settlers reached America.
#: Posted by on 01/31 at 10:19 AM
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Well, in that case - you should seek guidance ... from your local Home Depot. After all, the inside of faucets really haven't evolved much in 50 years - except to replace the metal with plastic. If you've never taken a faucet apart, no amount of external observation will help. And my attempts at experimentation with faucets have always ended in buying a new one.
I have noticed, however, that even though faucets appear to be designed by a very advanced intelligence, washers from Kohler faucets appear to function perfectly well, even when implanted into Moen bodies.#: Posted by RH Stephens on 01/31 at 10:31 AM -
For PZ's faucet problem, Home Depot won't help.
You need to go to Hume Depot.#: Posted by on 01/31 at 10:37 AM -
The proper approach is to observe and experiment, and figure out what the problem is first...
Yes, but that's assuming you actually want to solve the problem in the first place.
Why even fix the faucet? Why do anything?
Everything will be swell once our infinite vacation of bliss begins in heaven.
What, death? Bring it on!#: Posted by on 01/31 at 10:38 AM -
Your little story is typical. It doesn't speak to the real problems of evolution. I give you the periodic table and all the lab facilities you can muster. Please show me how rudamentory life is formed from inert compounds. You can't. Evolution is impossible according to the science we know today.
The 1st and 2nd Laws of Thermodynamics also put some solid bolts into your evolutionary coffin. It is the ID community that have embraced science and disproved evolution. It is evolutionists who must live on blind faith hoping against hope that multiple hidden processes are awaiting us to demonstrate how the universe was formed and how life came from accident. When you think about it, this is really just superstition.#: Posted by on 01/31 at 12:16 PM -
RA, God is impossible according to the science we know today. Science has a chance to investigate the source of life, it cannot do the same with the source of God.
#: Posted by on 01/31 at 12:37 PM
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So, in this thread you have been advised to:
- do nothing and wait to die
- meditate and hope for a surge of enlightement
- just buy a new one
- experiment and fix the faucet yourself
- ask help from Home Depot
- call a plumber.
Now we are all sitting at the edges of our computer-chairs, waiting to hear which line of attack you decided to pursue, and with what results. -
coturnix, you have overlooked my comment. It is a liberal lie that the faucet needs fixing. Oh, except that it is going to go broke unless we privatize it. And put caps on liability awards. Teaching ID in the classrooms will make us a more moral country where the only faucets that break will be godless communist liberal faucets, except in the rare case where god decides to punish the godless with natural disasters and a few godful faucets get in the way.
#: Posted by on 01/31 at 01:03 PM
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RA, you can't be serious...it's people like you living on blind faith.
#: Posted by WolverineTom on 01/31 at 01:22 PM
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Mark, you are right. Nobody has ever observed the faucet dripping. Thus, it is not science. It is just PZ's godless liberal bias.
Perhaps RA is a comedian, like Rush and Coulter: it is just us, humorless liberals who don't "get" his humor. - When some dingbat tells me that evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics, you bet I laugh at the humor.
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You don't have to be a liberal to understand that ID is a grasping at straws in an attempt to defend a misunderstanding of the foundations of many world religions. Even scientists get it dramatically wrong, sometimes ... but not this time.
#: Posted by RH Stephens on 01/31 at 01:49 PM -
RA, Isaac Newton could not have built a fusion reactor. Does this imply that the sun is not shining?
Is it superstitious of me to believe that lightning is not in fact hurled to earth by an angry Zeus, or that a solar eclipse is nothing more than the temporary occultation of the sun by the moon? Your argument is bizarre.#: Posted by on 01/31 at 03:03 PM -
Fixing plumbing is one of those delightful chores I've passed on since becoming an apartment dweller. (There's lots of us in New York.) It isn't difficult, and I fixed my late father-in-law's kitchen sink once. But in houses around here, because there are so many dissolved minerals, breakages or leaks of pipes tend to propagate like wild grass, usually just when your tightening down the fix of the first break.
I discovered compression fittings during my last few years as a homeowner. They're great, but people seem to have differing opinions of them.#: Posted by Jan Theodore Galkowski on 01/31 at 03:39 PM -
I was tempted to replace a leaky faucet recently because I felt that the mechanism was too complicated for me to repair. But once I took it apart, I learned that it was nothing more than a slotted ball riding on a nylon bed with a couple of spring-loaded gaskets controlling the flow of hot and cold water. So what appeared to the novice to be irreducibly complex revealed itself to be the repetitive use of a single design element and eminently repairable.
Check out a rebuild kit.#: Posted by Richard Bennett on 01/31 at 04:02 PM -
Yeah, well...
...um, that slotted ball is probably irreducibly complex.
What entity or process, sans The Almighty, could design something as beautiful and perfect as a sphere?
And what? The hot and cold water attain viscosity ("4 phases is science!" - O'Reilly), without the guiding hand of Jesus Christ?
#: Posted by on 01/31 at 04:22 PM -
RE: RA
"The 1st and 2nd Laws of Thermodynamics also put some solid bolts into your evolutionary coffin."
Are you talking about the 2nd Law = "The entropy of a closed system cannot decrease."?
Since you have done the calculations of entropy of the closed system (which would include at least the earth and sun) before and after evolution that show the amount of decrease in entropy that evolution would cause, could you please post them?#: Posted by on 01/31 at 11:30 PM -
You think you're kidding. But my fundamentalist brother's friends prayed for the cracked engine block of his truck. (This was less than 100 miles from where you are now in Morris).
They did NOT, however, try to discourage him from using ordinary methods of repair.#: Posted by John Emerson on 01/31 at 11:57 PM -
PZ: You've betrayed your ilk. No self-respecting lefty would dream of breaking the workingman's rice bowl or getting his hands dirty. The next thing you're going to slip and utter some piece of Rushist prophecy.
Oh, and Jeebus, I consider Rush an entertainer (insert chuckles). He's far too much a populist for me, and he dances away from the real issues affecting Mer'ca and hammers away at arcana like a mother distracting a toddler.
By the way, PZ that was extremely good satire. Thank you.#: Posted by on 02/01 at 12:39 PM -
John, I am having trouble imagining someone praying for a cracked engine block outside a Simpsons' episode. Did they trying the laying-on of hands?
#: Posted by on 02/01 at 03:52 PM
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Hey Mark— Don't laugh. The '89 4.3L I have in my GPW has cracked, warped leaked and resealed itself about three times now. I don't know if it's prayer, ignorance, luck or the fact that I have a color copy of Michaelangelo's "The Madonna Doni" decoupaged onto my air filter.
#: Posted by on 02/01 at 04:30 PM
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great post - always disturbing to hear the detractors. when did "believing" become such a positive notion? I honor hope, but not believing. We should find spiritual fulfillment and meaning in biology, astronomy, medicine, and physics - which have been founded on evidence and experimentation - allowing "god" to speak back to us.
#: Posted by dr. charles on 02/03 at 12:49 PM
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Actually, Charles, that's a wonderful idea - so much of the problem with religion is that those doing the preaching probably didn't do that well in physics. If you are a trained scientist, you are too damn smart to believe such simplifications.
We should find spiritual fulfillment and meaning in biology
not exactly - that's entertainment, passion, the excitement of discovery. But I think we can find spiritual fulfillment without violating any scientific laws and without looking to the heavens for supernatural help, either. Look within ... find your center of "hope" ... then tell me if you think it's just enzymes acting up ... or if life is too short to wait for the scientific explanation.#: Posted by RH Stephens on 02/03 at 01:25 PM
